I think everyone has thier little "Alter self", the part of them they can blame for something they don't believe they did, for most I think it comes out as "the crazy party person". Me and a couple others that have been troubled have the "Agressor" side that seems to take on a life of it's own.
Through years of unrest or trouble all the problems and rough spots that you don't let break you down need to go somewhere. The result is this pocket of anger, energy, and usually hate that grows over time. Doctors will hapily call this "repressed feelings". Really that is what they are, knowing me you don't want these things running loose, so be happy they are repressed. And over time they seem to take a personality of thier own and we tend to name them out of a joke, sometimes it goes past that and you really feel it is someone else.
My early years I was bullied at home and in school, I hated it, but couldn't change it, so I bottled it. Years went by and it got worse, so did the bottling, by now I think I have kegs not bottles. Over time I taught myself to fight, bare handed and weapons. I began to study the human body, the idea if you know how it works you can stop it, works for mechanics doesn't it?
Eventually I got the bullies and troublemakers to leave me alone for the most part, either I got away from them or they just began to fear me, either was fine. After a while I sat and looked back over things and realized what I had learned, what I had done, and what I had become, wich added even more things to repress.
Everyone thinks I 'm a nice person as I said before, and as I said that's what I let show. Then there is the part of me I've been bottling away, for the ease of referance I call him Azreal. I took up the name about 10 years ago now, an online name I got from a bible. A character I made into a role play character that was a good warrior and had a kind personality, untill he was set off. I never thought much how much we had simularitys untill later on.
Now with the meds playing Bi-polar tricks on me, Azreal has pretty much come into his own. I get stressed or upset and I know Az is waking up and he has simple dirrect means to avoid and get rid of problems. I know they are not good ways to do anything and despite how much they sound like good ideas I can't let him do that. Thus comes in a running debate between Me and Him.
The last year the bi-polar has become even more of an issue for me, I had to leave the state because I came close to doing serious physical harm to somone, I can't say for sure they would have lived through it. I'm back home in NY now, and the stress is back, and the same @$$hole is doing it again, despite knowing my stress levels they look at this as fun.
Most of the time my mood changes are quick, and I just feel a slump and need to be away from people while I sort my head out. Today when the person decided pushing my buttons was a good Idea it was much different. I was walking away from the verbal argument, my back to them as I headed for the other room when they shot a comment off at me. I don't clearly remember the comment or why it would bother me much but it did, and it bothered Az. I actually felt him wake up, a twisting pull in my stomach it felt like, and the sudden pull to spin and face them. I don't know why it happened, I didn't even realize it did at first but He registered a threat I had to face.
I spent the next 20 minutes talking him down an back to sleep so I could go on with what I needed to do. He wasn't close enough to the surface to make me have to leave people, but I wanted to, but I needed to go in the car with these people. A good bit of relaxing and letting him play over a few choice scenarios in my head of what could be done calmed him enough to go back to sleep.
Every time he wakes up I feel that much weaker to keeping him put away, but sometimes I use him for that energy. I love jobs that are physicaly demanding, a physical outlet for power and pending the job aggression. Lately I've been doing alot of landscaping, pick, axe, and shovel, been good at helping me burn out energy. These times I usually open my mind to issues that upset me just a bit, in small doses I can use them to give me small bits of energy to burn off. When I have a bad stress and no work to do I usually take one of my swords out and practice, physical exertion to the point of muscles giving out works well too, just takes longer without actual work.
For now he's resting, but he's in the back of my head all the time muttering his views, I just have to ignore him. He knows there might be a day I let him loose, it would take a severe case for that to happen, it's almost happened 2 times now. There are conditions to his release and he knows it, we discuss them every few days, the needs need to match the consequences.
For now though he's quite and I'm tired, so time to wrap this up
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Are you okay?
This seems to be something I've been asked lately, and quite frequently, and it's becoming a chore to answer properly.
To set the record straight, I have no idea. I haven't been able to safely and happily answer that question in over a year now. My mind was always a challenge to sort out even from me, it's decided to take down a few of its warning signs in the last year. People say I've become quiet at times, I didn't realize I talked all that much, mostly when I become quiet I'm thinking or just noticing there's a huge hole of space off to the side that deserves admiring. Most likely I'm quiet because I've had a shift in my mind that's caused me to consider where the hell it came from and what do I do with it now that it's here. More than a few have suggested I get counciling for this and I'm starting to wonder if it's the best course after all. There have been enough ups and downs in my life lately my mind has gone places it hasn't before, or if it has I've pushed it away from. I've been a very "nice" person for years to people it's gained me friends, it's not how I really am though. There's a side of me I keep away from people just for the fact I know it's not an "Acceptable" type. Lately people are telling me I should go with that a bit more, wich is leading me to a new motto in life, "Get over it or Go away" that seems to be working in a few instances I'm letting it out to try.
So if I get quiet, seem a bit distant, and in general just start to worry you with how I act, don't ask if I'm okay, trust I'll get myself close enough soon again or I'll find a way to do it.
To set the record straight, I have no idea. I haven't been able to safely and happily answer that question in over a year now. My mind was always a challenge to sort out even from me, it's decided to take down a few of its warning signs in the last year. People say I've become quiet at times, I didn't realize I talked all that much, mostly when I become quiet I'm thinking or just noticing there's a huge hole of space off to the side that deserves admiring. Most likely I'm quiet because I've had a shift in my mind that's caused me to consider where the hell it came from and what do I do with it now that it's here. More than a few have suggested I get counciling for this and I'm starting to wonder if it's the best course after all. There have been enough ups and downs in my life lately my mind has gone places it hasn't before, or if it has I've pushed it away from. I've been a very "nice" person for years to people it's gained me friends, it's not how I really am though. There's a side of me I keep away from people just for the fact I know it's not an "Acceptable" type. Lately people are telling me I should go with that a bit more, wich is leading me to a new motto in life, "Get over it or Go away" that seems to be working in a few instances I'm letting it out to try.
So if I get quiet, seem a bit distant, and in general just start to worry you with how I act, don't ask if I'm okay, trust I'll get myself close enough soon again or I'll find a way to do it.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Good Stories
Good stories are not easy to write. I’ve been writing my own little stories and they have all be shorts, with maybe 3 longer ones in the works. This has lead me to sit and look over what I have written and what others have written and pick them apart. Modern thrillers and romance books are the easiest to write, while they can be complex in their details of the lives what people don’t look at is that they have a simple basic funding. They are modern, meaning all points of reference and the daily bits of life we can all associate with because they are what we know. To make a true challenge you need to look to fantasy writing, while anyone can write about dragons and such, the details are different.
Kim Harrison and Carrie Vaughn both write modern novels, with fantasy twists, while Vaughn’s “Kitty Norville” series keep things very modern, Harrison’s “The Hallows” change things. History was changed in her books, and while leaving the monetary issues the same she’s left the exact date, and certain brand names off items to make you wonder if it’s this time or a future time. On the other end of the spectrum is James Silke and Frank Frazetta’s novels of “The Death Dealer”, with it’s ancient earth locations. You can read the book and figure where the people would later migrate to and start civilizations we know. But it draws on enough fantasy and mysticism that old stories were made of to keep it a true fantasy world. Then you come to writers such as John Norman, there may be humans in his story but he took the time to make a new world, complete with society, social structure, religion and the details of plants and animals. That is where good stories and great stories begin to differ.
Lets begin by taking this apart at the basic level, a story needs characters, do you want humans or an alien race as your focus? What do they look like, what is their environmental needs? Details like reproduction can be worried about later, you don’t want them reproducing before your ready to deal with them.
Once you have an idea of what these people are where will your story take place? Earth is easy, looking to a new world can be more of a challenge, as you have nothing to fall back on as a guide.
Now you have a planet full of beings, what are they? They need a name besides beings, best to be friendly before they storm your desk and break your computer.
Now that they are named, we need to decide how do their world is organized, do they have a government structure or is it all the law of tooth and claw? While “take what you want by force” sounds like a fun structure, it can grow tiresome to write about. Do they have a ruling council, a king or president? How is this person or group chosen?
Okay now they have chosen a person (or persons) that can handle bringing you their problems, best to decide how advanced you want them, living in mud huts and caves or do they have sky scrapers? Choosing their level of Technology about now would be good.
Good they are all housed and happy, make a storm so they all stay inside and quite begging while you finish figuring what to do with them. Hmm are you their god or are you going to make others for them to blame? Make a religion to keep them occupied, and decide how much of an impact that religion will have on them.
Okay, now we need to decide their economy, they barter, trade or do they have money? Money you need to decide values and what it’s called, a lot of people like to go with the simple “gold, silver, copper” method, it’s a good system and people understand it. But if your really feeling energetic you can make an entirely new method of payment, maybe there’s a more valuable resource than precious metals. The economy needs them to have jobs, this is where your technology choice comes in, no need for a carpenter when they have all steel buildings. What kind of jobs and is there a caste system for these jobs, meaning do they rank and earn a level of importance to society by their job. Now that they have income, what do they do with it? I’m sure there’s clothing and food, what sort of items do they get for fun? Again where your tech level comes in, buying computers or still using stone tablets?
Now that they are out working and spending their money, what else is on this planet? What does it look like? Lots of water, lots of desert and rocks, or is it a temperate rain forest? Perhaps you should sketch a map? Onto other life, even underwater you’ll have plants of some sort, are they all just pleasant to look at or do some have poisons, some might even be vicious and attack. What about animals? They have pets of any kind, beasts of burden, game, predators that hunt them? Also what is the weather like? Is there common storms and such to make life challenging or is it pretty much always calm and peaceful?
They seem to be rather busy among themselves and their little lives, lets look at the bigger picture, you might not be planning to go to space with them, but do they have a single sun? a single moon? They may not seem that important but they can make nice back ground information when your describing their days.
Okay they are all surviving well by this point if you’ve done well, now for a story. It’s best you pick a main character, time to go among your creation and find one, study their lives well. They need a name, a gender too pending their race, their age and where it puts them among their race in experience and life expectancy. What do they do for a living, and what of their family? The stranger from no where may have appeal, but it can make for a bit of a mysterious but hollow background for your writing. Do they have friends? And what’s this little adventure they are going off on?
Now your to where the normal little “story writing” takes up that people get the urge to make everyday. Let them interact and grow and keep an eye on them occasionally to see if they give you any ideas to write about.
Kim Harrison and Carrie Vaughn both write modern novels, with fantasy twists, while Vaughn’s “Kitty Norville” series keep things very modern, Harrison’s “The Hallows” change things. History was changed in her books, and while leaving the monetary issues the same she’s left the exact date, and certain brand names off items to make you wonder if it’s this time or a future time. On the other end of the spectrum is James Silke and Frank Frazetta’s novels of “The Death Dealer”, with it’s ancient earth locations. You can read the book and figure where the people would later migrate to and start civilizations we know. But it draws on enough fantasy and mysticism that old stories were made of to keep it a true fantasy world. Then you come to writers such as John Norman, there may be humans in his story but he took the time to make a new world, complete with society, social structure, religion and the details of plants and animals. That is where good stories and great stories begin to differ.
Lets begin by taking this apart at the basic level, a story needs characters, do you want humans or an alien race as your focus? What do they look like, what is their environmental needs? Details like reproduction can be worried about later, you don’t want them reproducing before your ready to deal with them.
Once you have an idea of what these people are where will your story take place? Earth is easy, looking to a new world can be more of a challenge, as you have nothing to fall back on as a guide.
Now you have a planet full of beings, what are they? They need a name besides beings, best to be friendly before they storm your desk and break your computer.
Now that they are named, we need to decide how do their world is organized, do they have a government structure or is it all the law of tooth and claw? While “take what you want by force” sounds like a fun structure, it can grow tiresome to write about. Do they have a ruling council, a king or president? How is this person or group chosen?
Okay now they have chosen a person (or persons) that can handle bringing you their problems, best to decide how advanced you want them, living in mud huts and caves or do they have sky scrapers? Choosing their level of Technology about now would be good.
Good they are all housed and happy, make a storm so they all stay inside and quite begging while you finish figuring what to do with them. Hmm are you their god or are you going to make others for them to blame? Make a religion to keep them occupied, and decide how much of an impact that religion will have on them.
Okay, now we need to decide their economy, they barter, trade or do they have money? Money you need to decide values and what it’s called, a lot of people like to go with the simple “gold, silver, copper” method, it’s a good system and people understand it. But if your really feeling energetic you can make an entirely new method of payment, maybe there’s a more valuable resource than precious metals. The economy needs them to have jobs, this is where your technology choice comes in, no need for a carpenter when they have all steel buildings. What kind of jobs and is there a caste system for these jobs, meaning do they rank and earn a level of importance to society by their job. Now that they have income, what do they do with it? I’m sure there’s clothing and food, what sort of items do they get for fun? Again where your tech level comes in, buying computers or still using stone tablets?
Now that they are out working and spending their money, what else is on this planet? What does it look like? Lots of water, lots of desert and rocks, or is it a temperate rain forest? Perhaps you should sketch a map? Onto other life, even underwater you’ll have plants of some sort, are they all just pleasant to look at or do some have poisons, some might even be vicious and attack. What about animals? They have pets of any kind, beasts of burden, game, predators that hunt them? Also what is the weather like? Is there common storms and such to make life challenging or is it pretty much always calm and peaceful?
They seem to be rather busy among themselves and their little lives, lets look at the bigger picture, you might not be planning to go to space with them, but do they have a single sun? a single moon? They may not seem that important but they can make nice back ground information when your describing their days.
Okay they are all surviving well by this point if you’ve done well, now for a story. It’s best you pick a main character, time to go among your creation and find one, study their lives well. They need a name, a gender too pending their race, their age and where it puts them among their race in experience and life expectancy. What do they do for a living, and what of their family? The stranger from no where may have appeal, but it can make for a bit of a mysterious but hollow background for your writing. Do they have friends? And what’s this little adventure they are going off on?
Now your to where the normal little “story writing” takes up that people get the urge to make everyday. Let them interact and grow and keep an eye on them occasionally to see if they give you any ideas to write about.
Friday, May 9, 2008
"Cool People"
Here’s a new rant that is bound to piss someone off, but oh well.
Thugs, playas, ballas, gangstas, and people that speak “Street” or Text all people who really need another hole in the head.
Thugs and gangstas are supposed to be people feared on the street for being strong, killers, and the place to go for drugs or whatever the hell it is that is supposed to make them cool. Your supposed to fear and or respect these people for their Skills or peeps, but I can’t help but laugh and feel sorry. First off most of these so called “Thugs” don’t even know where the word comes from and that they are practicing it wrong. It’s a term from India, yes they were murders and thieves but they cunning and tricky, not brain dead and wanting everyone afraid of them, it’s counter productive. Now it’s about being tough, and having a reputation, knock over a liquor store and push some drugs and your name is set. Yeah right excuse me if I don’t see that as a great thing. If you want to make someone fear you on the street EARN IT. Don’t think because you carry a gun your special, don’t think because you can spray an automatic gun out the car window and MAYBE hit one person in specific while taking out 5 bystanders and a collection of windows I’m going to think your anything special. The rapper 50cent (thought he doesn’t have 2 in his head) brags about being shot 9 times and living, I wouldn’t brag about that. It means you pissed someone off that doesn’t know how to use a gun, if anything it means I know where to go to cause trouble because I can shoot and hit my target, I’d have plenty of time to aim before they hit me. If you want people to fear you show them that they are not safe wherever they are, learn to shoot so you can take the person out from a distance, no one sees you or knows you shot until after their friend is dead. Toss the cheap automatic weapons, it’s nice to be able to fire quickly, it’s better to be able to fire accurately.
Ballas, basketball players that have played in the sun too long to be able to say the word basketball, so they shorten it to B-ball. Somewhere along the line being able to throw a ball through a hoop became a symbol of greatness. When you can play consistency of Michel Jordan let me know and I’ll consider you a great player. In the mean time you’re an arrogant pain in the ass that has nothing better to do but play with your balls and the balls of several other guys who like to rub against each other while women watch.
Playas, men who can’t find a woman that suits them so they feel they need to find several that have some of what they want. So have a harem of sluts or “shorties” what the hell does that mean anyway? What’s the appeal of having a book of women you can get at the drop of a hat, isn’t it better to have a few nice trophies instead of a collection of cracker jack prizes.
Then we come to the people that talk “Street” or “Text”, I’m sorry people I worked my ass off to get my diploma, I’m happy I have it, I’m not tossing my ability to think and spell out to save time. Phrases like “Wuzup”, to me sounds like you smoke or drank too much and need to sleep instead of trying to talk cool. Then there’s text. “Hw R U 2day”… Hmm I’m able to read think and learned to use the keyboard well so I could type without having to abbreviate everything. I learned to spell words like that back in grade school, if you can’t spell past that level sell the computer and buy your way back to school.
People complain about the Spanish speaking Americans in the US today, at least I can understand them, not this text and street crap. They were born speaking another language, what’s the excuse of the people raised speaking English, switching to Street or Text and still bitching about people not speaking English?
Thugs, playas, ballas, gangstas, and people that speak “Street” or Text all people who really need another hole in the head.
Thugs and gangstas are supposed to be people feared on the street for being strong, killers, and the place to go for drugs or whatever the hell it is that is supposed to make them cool. Your supposed to fear and or respect these people for their Skills or peeps, but I can’t help but laugh and feel sorry. First off most of these so called “Thugs” don’t even know where the word comes from and that they are practicing it wrong. It’s a term from India, yes they were murders and thieves but they cunning and tricky, not brain dead and wanting everyone afraid of them, it’s counter productive. Now it’s about being tough, and having a reputation, knock over a liquor store and push some drugs and your name is set. Yeah right excuse me if I don’t see that as a great thing. If you want to make someone fear you on the street EARN IT. Don’t think because you carry a gun your special, don’t think because you can spray an automatic gun out the car window and MAYBE hit one person in specific while taking out 5 bystanders and a collection of windows I’m going to think your anything special. The rapper 50cent (thought he doesn’t have 2 in his head) brags about being shot 9 times and living, I wouldn’t brag about that. It means you pissed someone off that doesn’t know how to use a gun, if anything it means I know where to go to cause trouble because I can shoot and hit my target, I’d have plenty of time to aim before they hit me. If you want people to fear you show them that they are not safe wherever they are, learn to shoot so you can take the person out from a distance, no one sees you or knows you shot until after their friend is dead. Toss the cheap automatic weapons, it’s nice to be able to fire quickly, it’s better to be able to fire accurately.
Ballas, basketball players that have played in the sun too long to be able to say the word basketball, so they shorten it to B-ball. Somewhere along the line being able to throw a ball through a hoop became a symbol of greatness. When you can play consistency of Michel Jordan let me know and I’ll consider you a great player. In the mean time you’re an arrogant pain in the ass that has nothing better to do but play with your balls and the balls of several other guys who like to rub against each other while women watch.
Playas, men who can’t find a woman that suits them so they feel they need to find several that have some of what they want. So have a harem of sluts or “shorties” what the hell does that mean anyway? What’s the appeal of having a book of women you can get at the drop of a hat, isn’t it better to have a few nice trophies instead of a collection of cracker jack prizes.
Then we come to the people that talk “Street” or “Text”, I’m sorry people I worked my ass off to get my diploma, I’m happy I have it, I’m not tossing my ability to think and spell out to save time. Phrases like “Wuzup”, to me sounds like you smoke or drank too much and need to sleep instead of trying to talk cool. Then there’s text. “Hw R U 2day”… Hmm I’m able to read think and learned to use the keyboard well so I could type without having to abbreviate everything. I learned to spell words like that back in grade school, if you can’t spell past that level sell the computer and buy your way back to school.
People complain about the Spanish speaking Americans in the US today, at least I can understand them, not this text and street crap. They were born speaking another language, what’s the excuse of the people raised speaking English, switching to Street or Text and still bitching about people not speaking English?
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