Me and Him

I think everyone has thier little "Alter self", the part of them they can blame for something they don't believe they did, for most I think it comes out as "the crazy party person". Me and a couple others that have been troubled have the "Agressor" side that seems to take on a life of it's own.
Through years of unrest or trouble all the problems and rough spots that you don't let break you down need to go somewhere. The result is this pocket of anger, energy, and usually hate that grows over time. Doctors will hapily call this "repressed feelings". Really that is what they are, knowing me you don't want these things running loose, so be happy they are repressed. And over time they seem to take a personality of thier own and we tend to name them out of a joke, sometimes it goes past that and you really feel it is someone else.
My early years I was bullied at home and in school, I hated it, but couldn't change it, so I bottled it. Years went by and it got worse, so did the bottling, by now I think I have kegs not bottles. Over time I taught myself to fight, bare handed and weapons. I began to study the human body, the idea if you know how it works you can stop it, works for mechanics doesn't it?
Eventually I got the bullies and troublemakers to leave me alone for the most part, either I got away from them or they just began to fear me, either was fine. After a while I sat and looked back over things and realized what I had learned, what I had done, and what I had become, wich added even more things to repress.
Everyone thinks I 'm a nice person as I said before, and as I said that's what I let show. Then there is the part of me I've been bottling away, for the ease of referance I call him Azreal. I took up the name about 10 years ago now, an online name I got from a bible. A character I made into a role play character that was a good warrior and had a kind personality, untill he was set off. I never thought much how much we had simularitys untill later on.
Now with the meds playing Bi-polar tricks on me, Azreal has pretty much come into his own. I get stressed or upset and I know Az is waking up and he has simple dirrect means to avoid and get rid of problems. I know they are not good ways to do anything and despite how much they sound like good ideas I can't let him do that. Thus comes in a running debate between Me and Him.
The last year the bi-polar has become even more of an issue for me, I had to leave the state because I came close to doing serious physical harm to somone, I can't say for sure they would have lived through it. I'm back home in NY now, and the stress is back, and the same @$$hole is doing it again, despite knowing my stress levels they look at this as fun.
Most of the time my mood changes are quick, and I just feel a slump and need to be away from people while I sort my head out. Today when the person decided pushing my buttons was a good Idea it was much different. I was walking away from the verbal argument, my back to them as I headed for the other room when they shot a comment off at me. I don't clearly remember the comment or why it would bother me much but it did, and it bothered Az. I actually felt him wake up, a twisting pull in my stomach it felt like, and the sudden pull to spin and face them. I don't know why it happened, I didn't even realize it did at first but He registered a threat I had to face.
I spent the next 20 minutes talking him down an back to sleep so I could go on with what I needed to do. He wasn't close enough to the surface to make me have to leave people, but I wanted to, but I needed to go in the car with these people. A good bit of relaxing and letting him play over a few choice scenarios in my head of what could be done calmed him enough to go back to sleep.
Every time he wakes up I feel that much weaker to keeping him put away, but sometimes I use him for that energy. I love jobs that are physicaly demanding, a physical outlet for power and pending the job aggression. Lately I've been doing alot of landscaping, pick, axe, and shovel, been good at helping me burn out energy. These times I usually open my mind to issues that upset me just a bit, in small doses I can use them to give me small bits of energy to burn off. When I have a bad stress and no work to do I usually take one of my swords out and practice, physical exertion to the point of muscles giving out works well too, just takes longer without actual work.
For now he's resting, but he's in the back of my head all the time muttering his views, I just have to ignore him. He knows there might be a day I let him loose, it would take a severe case for that to happen, it's almost happened 2 times now. There are conditions to his release and he knows it, we discuss them every few days, the needs need to match the consequences.
For now though he's quite and I'm tired, so time to wrap this up